This week there was a rumor posted at a fan news site that Universal Studios was looking to remake one of the best movies ever made, a movie that I consider a near-perfect film.
Jaws.
I was not surprised, but I did overreact on Twitter. If there is one thing I’m passionate about is my love for that wonderful perfect movie that was released in 1975. Yes, the remake rumor is probably BS, but I couldn’t help myself.
If this news was true, though… It would be the dumbest thing Hollywood ever did. Making Heaven’s Gate will look like a wise investment of investor funds in comparison. If you are gonna do such a colossally stupid thing, then LEAN INTO IT. Be SUPER stupid. Go full-on dumb.
Get Harvey Weinstein to produce. Hire Kevin Spacey to play Chief Brody. Have him do the same creepy accent he’s does in those YouTube holiday videos as he “channels” Frank Underwood.
We can’t have another “white guy” as Quint, we need some diversity. Hey: Get Kevin Hart! He’ll be hilarious as he quips with Brody – and the shark!
And we have to have a female lead, so let’s do a Starbuck: Have Hooper be played by Sofia Vergara! She’ll being the teenage boys into the theaters. And give her a “secret past” with the shark – She was attacked by a shark as a child, and the one they are chasing is the SAME SHARK.
And let’s not keep the action JUST in Amity Island… Let’s make the hunt for the shark be an international hunt! Like a Fast and the Furious movie!
Having so many scenes where the shark is hidden just beneath the surface is too boring for young millennials. Make the shark glow in the dark, because… Climate change! And he can fly now.
Finally, have the shark have a psychic connection to Hooper so that if she dies, the shark dies! That way you can have a big dramatic sacrifice scene.
I’m just spit balling dumb ideas… You know, like most of the writers who pitch in Hollywood do.
Hey, Hollywood, why stop at remaking Jaws? Remake all the great films from the early 70s while you are at it! The Godfather, Chinatown, Taxi Driver… And Disney, I KNOW you want to remake the original Star Wars, just pull the trigger. As Emperor Palpatine might say, “DO IT.”
Oh, I almost forgot the post-credit sequence. Brody WAKES UP. We then find out from Richard Dreyfus (in his paycheck cameo) the entire movie we just was a computer simulation on a space station, but something has gone wrong… “THE SHARK IS STILL WORKING!”
And as one of the main characters looks out the portal at the giant space-shark, one of the says, “We need a bigger space ship.” AND… SCENE. The sequel is setup and it writes itself.
Call me, Hollywood. I’m available.