In the early 1990s I was watching the syndicated Friday the 13th, The Series when I had a “Eureka” moment. The premise of that series had nothing to do with the film series save for the title… But what if they made a TV show based on the Halloween movies? A parody was born.
In my “series bible”, the premise was laid out. Every week, Michael Myers would travel to a different town, followed by Dr. Loomis. Michael’s mission was simple: Kill every family member he could find, no matter how far removed. The pilot episode would consist of him looking for his second cousin, twice removed… And the end of the first season would have him going to a Star Trek convention to try and kill his distant relative, William Shatner.
(If you know where the Myers mask came from, you get that joke).
I even ended up shooting some scenes with my friend at the time, Jeff, who played Loomis. It was a lark, great fun, and we ended up editing together a teaser trailer from the footage. This trailer, alas, has been lost to time, as it was shot and edited on SVHS and I no longer have a working SVHS VCR or the original tape.
So I was quite amused last year when they announced that they were working on an actual Halloween: The Series. What was once a joke between me and a couple of friends was now… Going to actually happen. I was just a few decades early, I suppose. Ahead of my time.
The new series will play things straight, obviously, and as a fan of the series I hope it’s good. We shall see.
Here’s a recreation of one of my early scripts. Enjoy.
Family Reunion
Scene: A dark, eerie street in Haddonfield. Loomis, with his ever-present trench coat and revolver, is frantically searching for Michael Myers.
Characters:
Dr. Loomis: A determined psychiatrist who has been chasing Michael Myers for years.
Michael Myers: The infamous masked killer, now on a bizarre quest to find his all his relatives, thanks to a family tree he found in the Myers house.
Neighbor: A nosy and oblivious resident of Haddonfield.
Johnny: A mild-mannered individual with no idea they’re related to Michael Myers (he’s his second cousin twice removed).
EXT. HADDONFIELD STREET – NIGHT
Loomis stumbles into frame, eyes wide and wild, revolver clutched tightly. He spots a NEIGHBOR raking leaves.
LOOMIS
(urgent)
Excuse me! Have you seen this man?
Loomis waves a sketch of Michael Myers. It looks like it was done by an 8-year-old, in crayon.
NEIGHBOR
(squints at the sketch)
Yeah, I saw him. Strange fella. He showed ME a picture, too. It looked like my pal Johnny, who lives two blocks down?
LOOMIS
(screaming)
TWO BLOCKS DOWN? Which way, man?
NEIGHBOR:
(pointing)
That way, on Birch Street. 666 Birch.
LOOMIS
(leaving)
Thank you.
Loomis hurries down the street. Cut to Michael Myers, walking silently but purposefully, holding a crumpled family tree in his left hand.
INT. JONES HOUSE – NIGHT
The Jones family is having dinner. There’s a knock at the door. JOHNNY gets up and answers.
JOHNNY
(cheerful)
Hello, can I help—
Michael Myers stands in the doorway, as menacing as ever.
JOHNNY
(startled)
Oh, uh, can I help you?
Michael silently hands over the crumpled family tree. Johnny examines it.
JOHNNY
(confused)
Oh, we’re related? Wow, I had no idea. Would you like to come in?
Michael tilts his head, considering. Suddenly, Loomis bursts onto the front porch.
LOOMIS
(shouting)
Michael! This ends tonight!
JOHNNY looks back and forth between Michael and Loomis, perplexed.
JOHNNY
(to Loomis)
Is this some kind of family feud?
LOOMIS
(breathless)
You could say that. Michael, your reign of terror is OVER!
MICHAEL
(silently tilts his head, then slowly reaches into his pocket)
Everyone tenses, and Loomis pulls his gun out. Michael pulls out a small, crumpled birthday card. He hands it to JOHNNY.
JOHNNY
(opens card, reads)
“Happy Birthday, Cousin.” Wow, I didn’t really want to bring any attention to it. Thank you!
Loomis is completely baffled.
LOOMIS
(disbelieving)
You mean… all this time, you just wanted to find your family?
Michael nods, almost sheepishly. JOHNNY smiles and gestures for him to come in.
JOHNNY
(cheerful)
Come on in, Michael. We’re having meatloaf.
Loomis lowers his revolver, shaking his head in disbelief. As Michael steps inside, Loomis follows, muttering.
LOOMIS
(to himself)
I’ve seen it all now… Well, what do I do now?
The door closes behind them, and the camera pans out to show the quiet, dark street.
FADE OUT.
END SCENE.