Ignorance is definitely bliss.
After a lovely, leisurely lunch with some friends today, I grew nostalgic. I thought back to my college days, to when I was doing college radio. I thought about the friends I made when I worked at Jefferson State Community radio, and one in particular: Marilyn Daniel. I hadn’t heard from her in several months, and the last message I had gotten from her was a drunken ramble about who-knows-what.
So I googled her (married) name.
And was frozen in shock.
Marilyn died.
Exactly one year ago, today.
I was at an absolute loss for words for a few moments. She was always… Well, alive. Full of passion, with a large laugh and a kind heart and…
Again… I was dumbstruck.
I frantically looked on the Internet for any additional information, for anything I could find out. Nothing. The official obituary was vague to the point of frustration. How did she die? Apparently she had a congenital heart defect that no one knew about – she was found unresponsive by her husband and she died in hospital two days later.
She wanted to be on stage, but she also was absolutely terrified of being on stage… Which is why she loved radio. She could hide behind the mike.
She was deeply insecure. And she had no reason to be.
Marilyn was beautiful. She was tall – really tall. Over six feet tall. It made her insecure. She shouldn’t have been. She was also very very smart – smarter than the men she chased after in our early college years. She was also blonde, and she played up that stereotype to get what she wanted…. Hiding her true intellect.
It was the early 90s. It’s what a lot of women did… What a lot of women STILL do.
She and I were good friends, but more than that… I had a deep and profound crush on her. Not the dumb blonde she pretended to be to get the guys she wanted… The passionate, smart Marilyn with ambition. THAT one. But I was not her type… Unfortunately.
I wish I could go back in time, with the communication skills I have now, to talk to her then. I would have been much more encouraging, much more direct… And I would have been able to tell her some of the things that I am putting into words here, now.
Marilyn was someone with whom I shared a lot of time in,.. Time that helped me evolve from a horny teenager to a respectful man, someone who listened and cared and spent the time to do what all of us should do: be kind. Marilyn was a lovely, kind person. Knowing her made me a better me.
And knowing that she is gone, now… Especially finding out a year after the fact… Well, it hurts. It hurts so goddamn much.
(I note with sad irony that a favorite show of both of ours, Twin Peaks, featured a self-destructive blonde… And that part of the reason I wanted to get back in touch with her was to reminisce about that very show.)
I have photos of Marilyn, photos I took way back in the halls of that college radio station in 1988. I’d post one here, but unfortunately they are half-a-world away, in a closet in my house in America. In less than three weeks I return there and one of the first things I do when I get back is scan as many pictures as I can to post on the Internet. Because, as I found as I frantically searched to find out what happened to her, there’s only one picture of her online… And it’s not a very flattering one.
Which will simply not do. She was beautiful. She was my friend. And I’ll miss her deeply.
Rest in peace Marilyn.